Do you love being a turtle? You won’t after this new movie. WARNING: Possible spoilers ahead!
I say this as someone who grew up with a VHS copy of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie that warped from how often it was watched: It's not a great movie. It's funny and corny and a little shabby looking. It's held up in some ways and looks supremely early '90s in others. It's just one incarnation of characters that, since their creation in the mid-'80s, have existed in toy, comic book, cartoon, and movie form.
But compared to the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which opens in theaters this Friday, Aug. 8, it looks like a stone-cold masterpiece. The 2014 reboot, which is directed by Jonathan Liebesman (Wrath of the Titans), isn't spectacularly awful in a sense that might be fun, just bad in ways that say a lot about blockbusters today.